No. Absolutely not.

I’m not doing this again, Nintendo. I did it twice this year. First, when you produced and sold a handful of budget emulator boxes and retroactively branded it a limited-run collector’s item, then, when you announced the Nintendo Switch.

You’re a bunch of liars, there’s no other word for it. The Switch is still suffering from shortages that benefit only scalpers and retailers looking to make a quick buck off moving some additional inventory through “bundle packs” that limit consumer flexibility. The NES classic is selling for four to five times its MSRP on Amazon and Ebay. You could continue to blame it all on supply chain and production line issues or misinterpreting demand but you announced a brand new 3DS model two months ago, didn’t you? And that terrifying brute you call President here in the States has said it won’t suffer the same fate.

Stop it! Just stop it, you dicks! You want people to believe there’s a constant state of runaway demand surrounding all your physical products. You want consumers to walk into their local electronics store and walk out disappointed because you know it will make them feel that much more special on the day their hunt for your latest Faberge Easter egg finally ends. You want scalpers to dominate the sales chain. You want people taking the day off work to stand in line to get a ticket to maybe purchase something you ostensibly want them to have! It’s not an issue you can learn from or work through it’s intentional psychological warfare.

And, yes, I get why you can’t say all that out loud and must instead confine such discussions to the candle-lit ritual chamber of your shareholder boardroom, because this whole thing only works if your consumers can actually grasp that shit-rope you’re feeding them with full confidence that it’ll get them to the top of the hill. And, yeah, it must be hilarious to watch them fail every time.

You’re building a theme park, for Christ’s sake! You’re capable of competing in the stock market with the entirety of Sony electronics. You once owned the Seattle Mariners.

Now you want me to believe you’ve got this whole thing under control and it’s time for me to get excited for the SNES Mini which I will definitely, absolutely, positively, no kidsies this time, be able to get my hands on this holiday season… Or, you know, maybe I should just go to Amazon right now and start clicking refresh until that two-minute pre-order window pops, yeah? You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Bite me, you nest of vipers.

Wesley Scott

Puppet Master at Ludonarrative Assonance
Wesley Scott is a writer and actor living on the North side of Chicago in a tiny studio apartment and spending his days playing video games, reading comic books, watching television and occasionally going to his day job when he needs a little cash. He is everything conservatives fear when they talk about the problems with a welfare state and he is everything liberals fear when they timidly advocate for sex positive education.